SupremeRulerofKurama (artemissakura) wrote in yyh_sues,
SupremeRulerofKurama
artemissakura
yyh_sues

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A YYH Sue...An old one, but...

I read this once, and I it, so I'm putting it here. >_>;;

Story Or Series Title: Songs of a Golden Comb<
<B>Fandom: Yu Yu Hakusho</B>
<B><STRIKE>Culprit</STRIKE> Author's Name: Starlights</B>

<B>Full Name (plus titles if any): Atae Shikazu</B>
<B>Full Species(es): a "young youkai neko"</B>
<B>Hair Color (include adjectives): "
Her long light-brown tresses tied into a long ponytail trailing down her back. Lengthy, untidy bangs framed her face."</B>
<B>Eye Color (include adjectives): "
The pupil of her blue eyes narrowed in slits much like a cat and it appear to glow with unnatural radiance."</B>
<B>Unusual Markings/Colorations: "
A pair of white furry ears stood erect on top of her head" and fangs.</B>
<B>Special Possessions (if any): "
a golden comb. Gems of seven different colors and stunning swirling patterns were engraved on it."</B>
<B>Annoying Origin: a clan princess</B>
<B>Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She knew Kurama when he was still a thief.</B>
<B>Annoying Special Abilities: "
"Most members of the youkai neko species has the powers to manipulate nigen ki, causing the victim to become zombies. Their own ki, on the other hand increases. By increasing their ki level, they'll be better prepared for the civil war to come within the clan." Atae answered "we need to smooth this out, so that no more unnecessary occurs""
</B>
<B>Other Annoying Traits: Everyone likes her. >__></B>

<B>Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:</B>

"(FROM THE AUTHOR: I'M A VERY NEWBIE AT YU YU HAKUSHO, PLEASE TELL ME IF ANYTHING SEEMS OCC. ALSO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME IF HUMANS CAN PASS INTO MAKAI? AND HOW DOES THE REIKAI TANTEI MEMBERS PASS FROM RELM TO RELM? THANK YOU!!) "

Author's notes: I'm a first time author of Yu Yu Hakusho. I describe these characters as best as I could, please tell me if any of the characters are OCC. Thank You.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot, and my made up characters.
~thoughts~-character thoughts
" "- quotes
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chapter 1- A Guide For a Mission

Members of the Reikai Tantei crowded in Lord Konema's office. Botan informed Yusuke to gather everyone for their next mission. Everyone sweat dropped as Kuwabara and Hiei began one of their arguments yet again.


<b>"I say we find out the name of this Mary Sue that Koenma was talking about!"

"Hn.</b>


"Stupid nigen!"

"Shrimp!"

"Baka ahou!"

<b>Whoa...Random Japanese. It's like saying, "Come play in the ocean, onegai!" or "The gift is nice, arigatou!" It looks good on paper, but sounds stupid when said out loud.</b>

"ENOUGH!!" The little prince who almost never loses his temper screamed "I have enough paper work to last me a life time. I need some peace and quiet"
<b>Almost never loses his temper? Uh-huh. Apparently they haven't been watching it for very long. He gets mad pretty fast when Yusuke calls him "toddler".</b>

"Hn." Hiei folded his arm "The gorilla's the one who started it¡­"

"Why you¡­" Kuwabara clinched his fist, but was interrupted by a figure walking through the door.

"Gomen nasai, Koenma-sama, I got here as fast as I could"

<b>said Mary Sue.</b>

"Ah¡­just the person I was waiting for" The 700 years-old toodler light up "Minna, I would like to introduce you to a guide for this special mission."

<b>And Kurama pulled out his rose whip and destroyed the abomination.</b>

The group turned to face the person who came through the door.

Before them stood a around 15 of age. Her long light-brown tresses tied into a long ponytail trailing down her back. Lengthy, untidy bangs framed her face. A pair of white furry ears stood erect on top of her head, occasionally turning in different directions. The pupil of her blue eyes narrowed in slits much like a cat and it appear to glow with unnatural radiance. The corner of her lips curved into a somewhat half smirk slightly revealing the points of her fangs.

<b>Ahhhh! A cat Sue!</b>

"Konnichiha minna-san, watashi Atae Shikazu" She bowed


<b>And Yusuke flipped her skirt, at which she giggled pervy-like.</b>


"Ohayou I'm Kuwabara. The one sitting next to the door is Yuskue, the red-haired one is Kurama and the shorty there is Hiei"

She turned her gaze to Kurama. "Well, well, well. Long time no see, old partner."

<b>Oh God...I think I'm gonna barf at her familiarity with Kurama. x__x;;</b>

"Should I know you?" Kurama knotted his brows in recall

"Forgotten me already? Well perhaps you remember this." She reaches within a pouch and pulled out a golden comb. Gems of seven different colors and stunning swirling patterns were engraved on it.

The red-haired fox gave a soft gasp

-----------------------(Flashback)-------------------------------

"Oi! Come back you thief!" A silver blur quietly shot pass, behind him a young youkai neko gave chase "I'm not about to let you go that easily!"

<b>"Very well then..." Youko said, pulling out his rose whip. With it, he destroyed the pathetic "neko" easily.</b>

Youko headed over a dense forest. The clan princess decided to take a short cut.

"Stop!" Atae leaped in front of the kitsune, attempting to bring to an end to the pursue "Give back my comb"

"Why should I?" He lifts the off her feet by her throat until her eyes level with his. Gold orbs meet blue ones.

"M¡­my father¡­ga¡­gave that comb¡­to¡­t¡­me¡­before¡­he died¡­I¡­I won't let anyone¡­lay a¡­finger¡­o¡­on it." The princess gave struggles as she tries to pry his fingers loose. As she hovers on the edge of consciousness, the hand that held her suddenly loosened, dropping her on the ground.
<b>*Sneer* The angsty past, ne?</b>

The legendary thief sneered at the young neko before turning to go.

"I'll fight you for it!" The lay on the ground for a few moments before slowly getting up.

"Be thankful I let you go" Came the silver-haired youkai's icy reply

The growled low in her throat before pouncing on the larger demon

Kurama shook her off easily and thorn vines wrapped itself all around the brown-haired .

The young clan princess cried out in pain as the sharp thorns bite into her flesh.

"Foolish cat" Youko's eyes remained fixed on his victim "You shall suffer for your stupidity"

"I-I'm not afraid of you!" Atae stared at her tormentor in the eye, trying not to let her voice tremble

He stooped to face his prey. A slow smirk tugged at his lips as he whispered in her ear "You will"

"All I want is my comb back" Atae gulped

"You really want this?" the kitsune waved the stolen entity in front of her face

"Yes"

"What is your name?" Youko demand

"Watashi Atae Shikazu"

<b>OMAE O KOROSU, ATAE!</b>

"Atae, you can have your precious comb back, if¡­your willing to make a proposition¡­" Youko commanded the vines holding his victim to loosen

"Nani? What kind of a proposal?"

<b>"That you die and I make off with this comb." Youko replied.</b>

"I will need¡­assistance in stealing the Ten Treasures of Kalian. I need someone of determination and courage, like yourself."


<b>One question: Where the hell is Kuronue? Or Yomi?! He HAS thieving partners!! And it IS OOC for Youko to compliment her. >__>;;</b>


"Leave my clan and join a thief?!" The neko stared at him in disbelief ~I cannot just leave the Shikazus; I am the princess after all! Then again, that comb is my only memory of Otousan¡­before he died¡­if I back out now¡­what will happen to it? Let alone in the hands of a thief¡­I can't decide! If I go back¡­Mother will probably continue with her plans to marry me off¡­then¡­I'll never be free to live my own way¡­ever again¡­~

"If I help you¡­will you give my comb back?"

"You have my word" The demonic fox called off his vines, leaving the on her feet.

<b>And he then decided to let his Tree handle her.</b>

"I¡­I never stole anything before¡­." The blue-eyed admitted struggling to stand

<b>But fell into a shark-infested bog.</b>

"That is just minor detail. You have two qualities that makes a thief great, the will spirit to pursue a goal and the guts to crush all obstacles in your way." He watched the out of the corner of his eye as he spoke ~She is a wild soul. I can sense that. Yet, I cannot be too trustful with her¡­~ "I will train you for our mission"

<b>Not OOC!Youko again...*Groans*</b>

"Then¡­you have your self a deal" Atae respond ~There is no honor among thieves¡­I won't turn my back on him yet¡­~

----------(End Flashback)--------------------------------------

"Atae-hime!? I thought you went back to rule the Shikazu Clan"

<b>...No more Otaku Japanese! >___></b>

"They thought I was decades ago, I can't just go back."

"I assume you two know each other?" The little prince asked "well, this certainly is a coincidence"

<b>Kurama blinked. He didn't know this !</b>


"We use to be¡­associates" The demonic cat answered

<b>Sappily, while looking fully at Kurama.</b>

"How have you been?" Kurama inquired
<b>While wondering if he needed serious therapy, or if that memory lapse was normal.</b>
"Oh just fine. I heard Okaasan is taking care of the clan"
<b>While getting drunk and partying all night!</b>
"Wait a minute¡­" Kuwabara kitted his brows "We got a demon as our guide?!"
<b>And his brows looked very pretty, like a sweater.</b>
"Well, she suits the job perfectly" Koenma folded his hands on his desk
<b>Secretly pressing the red "Send Me Some Help With This Mary Sue!" button.</b>
"So, what's our mission this time?" Yusuke popped up

<b>from nowhere</b>

"The Shikazu Clan, as you heard Kurama-san mention before is on the brink of civil war." Explained Atae "One group supports my mother as the Queen, while another group supports a new leader."
<b>Go new leader! Kill Atae's mother!</b>
"What does that have to do with nigenkai?" Yusuke lifts a brow
<b>Absolutely nothing.</b>
"Most members of the youkai neko species has the powers to manipulate nigen ki, causing the victim to become zombies. Their own ki, on the other hand increases. By increasing their ki level, they'll be better prepared for the civil war to come within the clan." Atae answered "we need to smooth this out, so that no more unnecessary occurs"
<b>As if you really care.</b>
"What are we waiting for then? Let's go kick some demon ass!" Kuwabara pumped his fist in the air
<b>And knocked Atae's lights out</b>
"...er..." The brown-haired sweat dropped "you see, this isn't exactly a... - -all kind of thing. All we really have to do is to negotiate with each sides and try to maintain peace."

"Which is why the s will go with you too" Konema nodded

<b>And the oni the Mary Sue to Hell. For good.</b>

(FROM THE AUTHOR: I'M A VERY NEWBIE AT YU YU HAKUSHO, PLEASE TELL ME IF ANYTHING SEEMS OCC. ALSO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME IF HUMANS CAN PASS INTO MAKAI? AND HOW DOES THE REIKAI TANTEI MEMBERS PASS FROM RELM TO RELM? THANK YOU!!)
---------------------------------------------------------------
To Be Continued
What do you think? R&R Plez!!

Next Chapter Summary: The Spirit Detectives are temporarily staying at a village where Atae lives, near the Shikazu Clan. They soon discover she has a daughter! Who is the father? Is Atae really ready to go back to claim her rightful place as princess?

<b>SHE'S NOT A PRINCESS! SURE, A CLAN HAS A LEADER, BUT HE'S NOT A KING! AND HIS DAUGHTER WOULD NOT BE A FLDSIGN PRINCESS!</b>

<b>Oh, I'm making fun of that summary too. Because it es me off.</b>

<b>Her summary:</b>

My first Yu Yu Hakusho fic! Koenma assigns a guide to a special mission for the Reikai Tantei to calm a cilvil war among a demonic clan. That guide turns out to be Kurama's old partner, Atae(not mary sue). Is Youko really the father of her daughter?

<b>Poking fun at it (not the author!):</b>
my liek furst yyh fic!!1111 konma asigns a gide 2 a specil mishin 4 the reiki tantay 2 clam a cilvil war among a demonik klan!!!1111elevenone11! taht gide turns out 2 b kurumas old partnur, atae(liek not a mary sue!!1111!!one iz yuko relly the daddy of her dotter?!!11

I hope it's an okay MST. It's an old fanfic, but it really makes me mad, because of the OOCness of all the characters.

...I shouldn't have done this in rich text mode. >___> Oh, and by the way, I'm Artemis Sakura, a loather of those so-called 'perfect' characters called Mary Sues. And the authors are okay people, but I prefer to not make contact with 'em. I'm somewhat new, seeing as I joined yesterday, so... Greetings and salutations!
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  • 3 comments
The pain, the pain...But on the bright side, she *did* admit that she'd take advice. I find that Sue and badfic writers in general will reform if corrected early enough. And minor-to-major OOC-ness, Mary-Sue, and random Japanese aside, it isn't too bad. Wait - old fanfic? Hm. Think we still have time to convert her?

And your MST was pretty funny, too. The comment about the Sue Alert button left me wide open to a vicious attack from a plotbunny. Mind if I use it?
No. Not at all. XD
And I think you could convert her. :3